Jesus Loves Me This I Know.....

".....for the bible tells me so." I have been struggling with something for the past week or two. There is a question that has been presenting itself to me over and over again, almost taunting me. It appeared first in reading Fr. Larry Richard's book, Be a Man! It has resurfaced many times in prayer. It even presented itself (although not directly) during the homily at Mass last Sunday. It's a question that I thought I knew the answer to. It's a question that I believe that I have had the right answer to throughout my childhood and adult life. And now I'm questioning it. I'm questioning whether my answer to this question most of my life is the right one. The question I have been struggling so much with is "Do I know that God the Father loves me?"

I've been Catholic my whole life. I went to Catholic grade school and Catholic high school. I spent time in the seminary. I'm working in Catholic youth ministry. My whole faith life has been based on the premise that, as the song says (sing with me now), "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so." Jesus loves me. I understand that. But, do I know, in the depth of my being, that Jesus loves me? And, do I know how much Jesus loves me?

Like I said, I've been wrestling with this for a while now.  I would have to say that when this question first presented itself to me I had to honestly say "No." I don't know that God loves me. If I knew that God loves me, if I knew how much He loves me, then I wouldn't make the decisions that I have been making. I wouldn't live for me. St. Joseph, in last Sunday's gospel had a decision to make. Was he going to take Mary as his wife, or was he going to walk away from it all? He had every right to be upset, to be angry, to be hurt. The woman he was betrothed to was pregnant, and it wasn't his child. Sure, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, but how often do we wake up in the morning with the thought, "that was a weird dream", and then go on living our lives as if the dream meant nothing. Joseph had a choice to make. And he chose to marry Mary. And why did he say yes to taking Mary as his wife? Because he knew that God loved him.

Many of the choices I make in my life are all about me. They are all about how I feel. They are also a cry for love. We all have within us a deep seeded desire to be loved. It is how we were created. And the sole purpose of our creation is to be loved by God. Yet oftentimes we forget that, or, even worse, never even realize it. So, it is in this deep desire to be loved that all of our actions are a pursuit of that love.We want to be recognized by others, so we are prideful. We are jealous of the things others have and the attention they receive that we aren't receiving. We get angry when we don't get what we want. We find comfort in food and become gluttonous. We have a strong urge for love found in sexual intimacy, so we lust. We want to be loved, and yet we look everywhere for that love except to God, our loving Father. If I knew that God loved me, then I wouldn't make the choices I make. I would look to Him for love instead of others. St. Joseph could have done what was easy for him. He could have reacted out of anger or gotten jealous. He could have let his pride get the best of him. But he didn't. He knew that God loved him, and reacted with love out of that knowledge.

There's a second reason why I am uncertain of God's love for me, and that's my lack of trust. I don't trust that God has things in control. I don't trust that he will continue to provide everything that I need. I want to do things my way because I can (mostly) control the outcome. This lack of trust stems from not truly believing that God loves me. If I believed that He loves me, then I would be able to trust Him. I would know that God wants what's best for me. St. Joseph trusted God. He trusted God because he knew that God loved him. He knew that God was in control and that He wanted what was best for him.

I feel....I know, that I cannot move any further in my journey of faith until I know, deep in my heart, that Jesus loves me. Until I know that God loves me deep within my heart then I will continue to make the same mistakes. Until I know that God loves me I will be unable to trust Him. I will be unable to "float" and allow God's will to work in my life.

My Christmas present to Jesus (and myself) this year is to understand and to truly know that He loves me. I want to know that Jesus loves me not "because the bible tells me so" but because I feel the embrace of His love surrounding my whole being. I may not be able to accomplish it in a week. It will become my new year's resolution, too. But I know that it is the gift that Jesus wants. I know that nothing will make Him more happy than knowing that I know that He loves me.

Are You Ready for Christmas?

Christmas is coming next Saturday. Being a father of 5, those who know me ask if my wife and I are ready for Christmas. They want to know if we've been able to do all the shopping, all the gift wrapping, all the preparing for Christmas morning. My response has been, "We're getting there. We've got most of the shopping done and have a few last minute gifts to buy."  We've even been able to wrap a few of the presents instead of waiting to do it all on Christmas Eve, like we've done in the past. We are actually ahead of schedule. So, it looks like we're ready....or are we?

Are we really ready for the birth of our Lord and Savior? That's the question we should be asking each other. That's how I should have been responding to the question of whether or not we're ready for Christmas. Are we ready to receive Christ into the world, and into our hearts? That is a more difficult question to ask, and answer. Amidst the craziness and chaos of the holiday season, many of us (myself included) have lost sight of preparing our hearts for Christ. Am I ready to receive Jesus? Do I really know and understand that God the Father loves me? These are the questions we should be asking this time of year (or, rather, all year long!). We need to be less concerned with gifts and parties and shopping and more concerned with preparing our own hearts to receive the Father's love. I, personally, have not done a very good job at doing that this Advent season.

We've got a week left. I've got a lot of work to do to get ready for Christmas. The Church gives us four weeks of Advent to prepare our hearts for the coming of the Lord, and I'm trying to cram all that work into one week. With God's grace, it can be done. I need to get ready for Christmas. And next year, when someone asks me if we're ready for Christmas, I'm not going to answer with the progress we've made on our shopping lists, but rather with the progress I've made with preparing my heart to receive the Lord.

(cross-posted at Catholic Dads)

A New Tradition

We are starting a new tradition this year in our household. I received a sample of oplatki from Aquinas&More. What, you ask, is oplatki? I wondered the same thing. Oplatki is a beautiful Christmas tradition in Eastern Europe. From the Aquinas & More Website:

Among Catholic families in Poland, Lithuania, Slovakia and the Czech Republic, the start of the traditional Wigilia (Christmas Eve Vigil) meal begins with the Oplatki, Oblatky, or Plotkele, a thin Communion-like rectangular wafer made of unleavened bread and stamped with different Christmas symbols. Some families call it the “bread of Love” and it is widely known in English-speaking countries simply as the Christmas wafer. Some eastern German families are also known to use a wafer called Opladen in their Christmas cooking.(read the whole story here.)

I'm really looking forward to this new tradition. We received enough oplatki to hand out to friends and family, so maybe they will start a new tradition as well.

(Note: I received a shipment of oplatki for free in return for writing an honest review.)

Where Do I Go From Here?

Life is full of changes. It seems that there is one change after another, and once you get settled into and comfortable in one way of living, then you are thrown off course, in a new direction. Kari and I have been having this conversation quite a bit lately. We, or should I say, I, am settled in and comfortable with things at the moment. But I know that somewhere in the distance change is coming. I don't know what, when, or where, but change is coming. It always is. All of us have to change and adapt.

The human psyche has an incredible ability to adapt to change. Although that change is not always welcome, when it does come, the ability to adapt to that change is incredible. And once that change becomes the "new normal" then we, or at least I, become incredibly comfortable with that new normal. I think that is why, in part, change is not always welcome. We become comfortable with the status quo.

Not only is change imminent, it is necessary. If we become too comfortable with the status quo, then growth is stagnated. It is very difficult to change when you stay inside your comfort zones, whatever they may be. And once inside those comfort zones it becomes difficult to accept change. We don't want to become uncomfortable again. We fear what that change may bring. So we resist it. And when we resist that change in our life, we resist real growth that will help us to become better people.

God wants us to change. He is calling us to change. He called the apostles to abandon everything they had known and to follow Him. Did they know where they were going? No. Were they fearful? Maybe, but they left everything behind and followed the Lord. It is only in changing that we can stretch ourselves and grow. It is only in changing that we become new. "People do not put new wine in old wineskins" (Matthew 9:17). It is in becoming new that we become better equipped to receive the Body and Blood of Christ and to bring it to others.

One change that Kari and I are discerning is a call to the permanent diaconate. This is one of those changes that I feel deeply interested in, a change that I have been considering for about 16 years. It is also one of those changes that I want to run away from, not only because I fear what it may mean, but I also don't want to step outside my comfort zones, and becoming a deacon is outside my comfort zone. We spent the past two months attending discernment meetings here in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. And, after coming out of them, I am no more clear on what path to take. In fact, I'm less clear. I'm continuing my dialogue with Kari about it. I'm taking it to prayer. In fact, it is taking a substantial amount of my prayer time. Last week, during prayer, the following came to me:

I want you to become the voice of those that cannot speak. I want you to be the arms and legs of those who cannot carry themselves. Enter into my Word and be blessed by My Spirit. Go out and proclaim the Gospel to all you encounter. Be my voice to the needy. Be my worker in the vineyard. Commit yourself fully to serving me. Heal others so that you may be healed. Serve others that you may be served. Love others that you may be loved.

I'm not saying that I heard the voice of God speak to me these words (It would be easier for me if He did. That way I would know it was from Him). I'm saying that this is the sense I was given by God through prayer.

Kari shared with me something that her spiritual director shared with her. Pray. Pray that God will open the doors that He wants open and close the doors that He wants closed.

Lord, I give my life to you. I don't know where you want me to go. I don't know what you want me to do about becoming or not becoming a deacon. I don't know what you want me to do about other important changes in my life that will inevitably come down the road. I give it all to you. I pray that you will make your path clear to me. I pray that you will open the doors that you want opened and close the doors that you want closed. I trust you, Lord. I trust you. Amen.