Where Do I Go From Here?

Life is full of changes. It seems that there is one change after another, and once you get settled into and comfortable in one way of living, then you are thrown off course, in a new direction. Kari and I have been having this conversation quite a bit lately. We, or should I say, I, am settled in and comfortable with things at the moment. But I know that somewhere in the distance change is coming. I don't know what, when, or where, but change is coming. It always is. All of us have to change and adapt.

The human psyche has an incredible ability to adapt to change. Although that change is not always welcome, when it does come, the ability to adapt to that change is incredible. And once that change becomes the "new normal" then we, or at least I, become incredibly comfortable with that new normal. I think that is why, in part, change is not always welcome. We become comfortable with the status quo.

Not only is change imminent, it is necessary. If we become too comfortable with the status quo, then growth is stagnated. It is very difficult to change when you stay inside your comfort zones, whatever they may be. And once inside those comfort zones it becomes difficult to accept change. We don't want to become uncomfortable again. We fear what that change may bring. So we resist it. And when we resist that change in our life, we resist real growth that will help us to become better people.

God wants us to change. He is calling us to change. He called the apostles to abandon everything they had known and to follow Him. Did they know where they were going? No. Were they fearful? Maybe, but they left everything behind and followed the Lord. It is only in changing that we can stretch ourselves and grow. It is only in changing that we become new. "People do not put new wine in old wineskins" (Matthew 9:17). It is in becoming new that we become better equipped to receive the Body and Blood of Christ and to bring it to others.

One change that Kari and I are discerning is a call to the permanent diaconate. This is one of those changes that I feel deeply interested in, a change that I have been considering for about 16 years. It is also one of those changes that I want to run away from, not only because I fear what it may mean, but I also don't want to step outside my comfort zones, and becoming a deacon is outside my comfort zone. We spent the past two months attending discernment meetings here in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. And, after coming out of them, I am no more clear on what path to take. In fact, I'm less clear. I'm continuing my dialogue with Kari about it. I'm taking it to prayer. In fact, it is taking a substantial amount of my prayer time. Last week, during prayer, the following came to me:

I want you to become the voice of those that cannot speak. I want you to be the arms and legs of those who cannot carry themselves. Enter into my Word and be blessed by My Spirit. Go out and proclaim the Gospel to all you encounter. Be my voice to the needy. Be my worker in the vineyard. Commit yourself fully to serving me. Heal others so that you may be healed. Serve others that you may be served. Love others that you may be loved.

I'm not saying that I heard the voice of God speak to me these words (It would be easier for me if He did. That way I would know it was from Him). I'm saying that this is the sense I was given by God through prayer.

Kari shared with me something that her spiritual director shared with her. Pray. Pray that God will open the doors that He wants open and close the doors that He wants closed.

Lord, I give my life to you. I don't know where you want me to go. I don't know what you want me to do about becoming or not becoming a deacon. I don't know what you want me to do about other important changes in my life that will inevitably come down the road. I give it all to you. I pray that you will make your path clear to me. I pray that you will open the doors that you want opened and close the doors that you want closed. I trust you, Lord. I trust you. Amen.

Gone Fishing...

In the beginning of Matthew's Gospel, Jesus calls out to Peter and Andrew, "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men" (Matthew 4:19). It was the beginning of his public ministry and he needed help.

I can't help but wonder what was going through Peter and Andrew's mind as he was in the sea of Galilee that day fishing. Here they were, trying to earn a day's work, and some guy calls out to them. Had they heard of Jesus before that day? Did they know of John the Baptist's preaching that Jesus was coming? Did they know of Jesus' baptism in the Jordan and what happened there? They had to have had some sort of idea of who this Jesus was or they would have just responded with something like, "Who the heck are you, and why should I follow you? What's this about fishing for men? Are you crazy?" I know that's how I would respond if some stranger came up to me and said something odd like telling me to follow him to fish for men. Peter and Andrew must have heard of Jesus before that day. Otherwise, they wouldn't have followed. They wouldn't have believed. Peter and Andrew (James and John, too) gave up their lives that day. They gave up their livelihood, their families....everything. They did it in order to follow Jesus and become "fishers of men."

Jesus is calling us, too. Are we listening? Are you willing to give up everything....I MEAN EVERYTHING! Are you willing to sacrifice your comfortable house, your car, your job, your family.....Are you willing to give it all for Him? Because that is what He is asking us to do. Does that mean that we have to be homeless, unemployed, and alone in order to follow Jesus? No. It does mean, however, that we should not put anything ahead of our relationship with Jesus. 

I posted a Youtube video earlier today. It was a Matthew Kelly video about contemplation. If you haven't watched it, you should. In it he said that our actions are determined by our thoughts. In prayer today, I journaled a bit on that sentence. I came to the conclusion that my thoughts are not on Jesus. My thoughts are on everything but Jesus. Hence my actions are oftentimes contrary to what Jesus is calling me to. I spend my time putting everything ahead of my relationship with Jesus. I spend my time thinking about the things I want instead of the things Jesus wants for me. No. I am not listening to Jesus' call. I'm too caught up in my comforts.

What is Jesus calling me to? What is Jesus calling you to? The same thing he called Peter and Andrew to. He is calling all of us to be "fishers of men." He is calling all of us to spread the Good News! But I can't do that until I change my thoughts. Until I center my thoughts around my relationship with Jesus, I can't go fishing. 

Come on in, have a seat, make yourselves UNcomfortable

Jesus' whole life, his whole ministry, was about being uncomfortable. He was born in a stable--not the most comfortable place to be born, especially for his parents. His ministry was centered around doing the uncomfortable--talking in front of large crowds, enduring ridicule of others, answering the non-stop questions of the church leaders. His passion and death was uncomfortable--enduring ridicule, torture, and being murdered. It seems as though there was nothing comfortable at all about his life and ministry.

Jesus asked his disciples to do the uncomfortable as well. He called fisherman, tax-collectors, and other just plain ordinary people to spread his word. He sent them out to preach the Gospel with nothing but the clothes on their backs. You could say that Jesus made their lives very uncomfortable, stretching them, their abilities, and their faith.

Jesus' passion came. His death came. What do his disciples do? They instinctively do what is most comfortable. Peter denies knowing Christ three times because it would be uncomfortable to acknowledge knowing him. His disciples hide and are not even present at Jesus' crucifixion because being there would be uncomfortable. After finding the empty tomb, Peter goes back to doing what is most comfortable, most familiar, to him. He goes fishing (John 21:3).

 While doing what is most familiar to them, Jesus calls out to Peter and the other disciples. Just as they got into their comfort zone, he calls them to become uncomfortable once again. Jesus asks Peter if he loves him. This question is a very uncomfortable question for Peter, especially since the memory of having denied Jesus three times is still fresh in his mind. Then Jesus asks it two more times. And what does Jesus ask Peter to do? He asks Peter to feed and tend his sheep. This is something that a fisherman is not comfortable with. Peter is much more comfortable in the open waters casting nets than he is in a field trying to round up sheep. Jesus could have made things more comfortable for Peter by saying something like "Cast my net" instead of "Tend my sheep." But he didn't. Jesus understood that it is through doing the uncomfortable that we are able to stretch ourselves and grow.

And then comes the kicker. Jesus then says to Peter and the other disciples present: "Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." (John21:18-19) Jesus is asking his disciples to let go. He is asking them to let go of everything--to completely surrender their wills to the will of the Father. He is asking them to stretch out their hands to God the Father and go not where they want to go but instead to go where God wants them to go. This is the ultimate sacrifice. This is the height of uncomfortableness (Is that a word?).

So, are you uncomfortable? I'm not. I'm very comfortable where I am right now. And you know what? My spiritual journey has stalled out. I'm not growing. My relationships are strained. It's funny, but the more comfortable I get, the more I struggle. It's time to get uncomfortable. I don't know how. I don't know what. But I need to find something that is going to stretch me and make me uncomfortable. I need to stretch out my hand and give control over to God.