Jesus Loves Me This I Know.....

".....for the bible tells me so." I have been struggling with something for the past week or two. There is a question that has been presenting itself to me over and over again, almost taunting me. It appeared first in reading Fr. Larry Richard's book, Be a Man! It has resurfaced many times in prayer. It even presented itself (although not directly) during the homily at Mass last Sunday. It's a question that I thought I knew the answer to. It's a question that I believe that I have had the right answer to throughout my childhood and adult life. And now I'm questioning it. I'm questioning whether my answer to this question most of my life is the right one. The question I have been struggling so much with is "Do I know that God the Father loves me?"

I've been Catholic my whole life. I went to Catholic grade school and Catholic high school. I spent time in the seminary. I'm working in Catholic youth ministry. My whole faith life has been based on the premise that, as the song says (sing with me now), "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so." Jesus loves me. I understand that. But, do I know, in the depth of my being, that Jesus loves me? And, do I know how much Jesus loves me?

Like I said, I've been wrestling with this for a while now.  I would have to say that when this question first presented itself to me I had to honestly say "No." I don't know that God loves me. If I knew that God loves me, if I knew how much He loves me, then I wouldn't make the decisions that I have been making. I wouldn't live for me. St. Joseph, in last Sunday's gospel had a decision to make. Was he going to take Mary as his wife, or was he going to walk away from it all? He had every right to be upset, to be angry, to be hurt. The woman he was betrothed to was pregnant, and it wasn't his child. Sure, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, but how often do we wake up in the morning with the thought, "that was a weird dream", and then go on living our lives as if the dream meant nothing. Joseph had a choice to make. And he chose to marry Mary. And why did he say yes to taking Mary as his wife? Because he knew that God loved him.

Many of the choices I make in my life are all about me. They are all about how I feel. They are also a cry for love. We all have within us a deep seeded desire to be loved. It is how we were created. And the sole purpose of our creation is to be loved by God. Yet oftentimes we forget that, or, even worse, never even realize it. So, it is in this deep desire to be loved that all of our actions are a pursuit of that love.We want to be recognized by others, so we are prideful. We are jealous of the things others have and the attention they receive that we aren't receiving. We get angry when we don't get what we want. We find comfort in food and become gluttonous. We have a strong urge for love found in sexual intimacy, so we lust. We want to be loved, and yet we look everywhere for that love except to God, our loving Father. If I knew that God loved me, then I wouldn't make the choices I make. I would look to Him for love instead of others. St. Joseph could have done what was easy for him. He could have reacted out of anger or gotten jealous. He could have let his pride get the best of him. But he didn't. He knew that God loved him, and reacted with love out of that knowledge.

There's a second reason why I am uncertain of God's love for me, and that's my lack of trust. I don't trust that God has things in control. I don't trust that he will continue to provide everything that I need. I want to do things my way because I can (mostly) control the outcome. This lack of trust stems from not truly believing that God loves me. If I believed that He loves me, then I would be able to trust Him. I would know that God wants what's best for me. St. Joseph trusted God. He trusted God because he knew that God loved him. He knew that God was in control and that He wanted what was best for him.

I feel....I know, that I cannot move any further in my journey of faith until I know, deep in my heart, that Jesus loves me. Until I know that God loves me deep within my heart then I will continue to make the same mistakes. Until I know that God loves me I will be unable to trust Him. I will be unable to "float" and allow God's will to work in my life.

My Christmas present to Jesus (and myself) this year is to understand and to truly know that He loves me. I want to know that Jesus loves me not "because the bible tells me so" but because I feel the embrace of His love surrounding my whole being. I may not be able to accomplish it in a week. It will become my new year's resolution, too. But I know that it is the gift that Jesus wants. I know that nothing will make Him more happy than knowing that I know that He loves me.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Life is full of changes. It seems that there is one change after another, and once you get settled into and comfortable in one way of living, then you are thrown off course, in a new direction. Kari and I have been having this conversation quite a bit lately. We, or should I say, I, am settled in and comfortable with things at the moment. But I know that somewhere in the distance change is coming. I don't know what, when, or where, but change is coming. It always is. All of us have to change and adapt.

The human psyche has an incredible ability to adapt to change. Although that change is not always welcome, when it does come, the ability to adapt to that change is incredible. And once that change becomes the "new normal" then we, or at least I, become incredibly comfortable with that new normal. I think that is why, in part, change is not always welcome. We become comfortable with the status quo.

Not only is change imminent, it is necessary. If we become too comfortable with the status quo, then growth is stagnated. It is very difficult to change when you stay inside your comfort zones, whatever they may be. And once inside those comfort zones it becomes difficult to accept change. We don't want to become uncomfortable again. We fear what that change may bring. So we resist it. And when we resist that change in our life, we resist real growth that will help us to become better people.

God wants us to change. He is calling us to change. He called the apostles to abandon everything they had known and to follow Him. Did they know where they were going? No. Were they fearful? Maybe, but they left everything behind and followed the Lord. It is only in changing that we can stretch ourselves and grow. It is only in changing that we become new. "People do not put new wine in old wineskins" (Matthew 9:17). It is in becoming new that we become better equipped to receive the Body and Blood of Christ and to bring it to others.

One change that Kari and I are discerning is a call to the permanent diaconate. This is one of those changes that I feel deeply interested in, a change that I have been considering for about 16 years. It is also one of those changes that I want to run away from, not only because I fear what it may mean, but I also don't want to step outside my comfort zones, and becoming a deacon is outside my comfort zone. We spent the past two months attending discernment meetings here in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. And, after coming out of them, I am no more clear on what path to take. In fact, I'm less clear. I'm continuing my dialogue with Kari about it. I'm taking it to prayer. In fact, it is taking a substantial amount of my prayer time. Last week, during prayer, the following came to me:

I want you to become the voice of those that cannot speak. I want you to be the arms and legs of those who cannot carry themselves. Enter into my Word and be blessed by My Spirit. Go out and proclaim the Gospel to all you encounter. Be my voice to the needy. Be my worker in the vineyard. Commit yourself fully to serving me. Heal others so that you may be healed. Serve others that you may be served. Love others that you may be loved.

I'm not saying that I heard the voice of God speak to me these words (It would be easier for me if He did. That way I would know it was from Him). I'm saying that this is the sense I was given by God through prayer.

Kari shared with me something that her spiritual director shared with her. Pray. Pray that God will open the doors that He wants open and close the doors that He wants closed.

Lord, I give my life to you. I don't know where you want me to go. I don't know what you want me to do about becoming or not becoming a deacon. I don't know what you want me to do about other important changes in my life that will inevitably come down the road. I give it all to you. I pray that you will make your path clear to me. I pray that you will open the doors that you want opened and close the doors that you want closed. I trust you, Lord. I trust you. Amen.

Life, Death, and a Broken Air Conditioner

Today had a really rough start around our house. I woke up early (too early, if you ask me) this morning, drenched with sweat. I got up to discover that the A/C had ceased to work....and it's Saturday, which means we have be bear the oppressive Florida heat all weekend long. The fact that the A/C broke, and on a weekend, raised my stress and frustration level to new heights. I am irritable, lashing out at my wife and kids. I am stressed about how we are going to pay for the necessary repairs. All in all, it was a horribly miserable morning in our household.

This afternoon, I had to go to a funeral for a deacon from one of the parishes I work for. After a long life and a battle with cancer, he finally went to be with our Lord. I knew the good deacon and his wife, but not well. I found myself during the Mass reflecting on life, death, and the morning I had. Life is precious. It is also very short. We should treasure each and every moment of life. Upon reflecting on this, I realized how inconsequential, how petty, my frustration is. My life, my relationship with my wife and my children, is far more important than the comfort of A/C. In the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make if I spend a couple of days without cool air. My stress over the upcoming bill to repair the issue is also a petty concern.

I had become so wrapped up in material comforts--cool air and money in the bank--that I neglected my wife. I neglected my children. I need to learn to let go of my material comforts....all of them. I need to use this weekend as an opportunity to grow from my lack of comfort. The A/C will get fixed one way or another. God has always provided us with everything that we need. He has also always provided a way for us to enjoy the comforts of air conditioning. I need to learn that my trust in God and my relationship with my family is far more important than anything else.

Let Nothing Frighten You

I had a rough night last night. I was awoken by the baby at a little after 2 AM. I got up, rubbed her belly, kissed her forehead, and went back to bed. It was then that my rough night began, as I was lying in bed.

My spiritual director once told me that the devil is a coward. He doesn't like to attack you in the middle of the day. He much prefers attacking you in the middle of the night when your guard is down, when you're drowsy. He likes to attack you when you are alone, when you can't seek out help from others. This is what happened to me last night. I was overcome with fear. This pit formed in my stomach and I was deeply afraid. At the time I felt that it was completely rational for me to have these fears, that I should be fearful. I never really did get back to sleep. I dozed off and on and at about 5:30 AM I got up and started reading a novel to take my mind off of the fears I was having.

I discussed these fears I had in the middle of the night with my wife after she got up this morning. She and I both agreed that these fears I was having were completely irrational and needed to be disregarded. I remembered what my spiritual director said about the devil attacking in the dead of the night. I let go of my fears.

As I was praying this afternoon, I came across something I had written in my journal a few years back. I don't remember who said it, but it provided more reassurance to me and my fears:

Let nothing disturb you.

Let nothing frighten you.

Everything passes away except God.

God alone is sufficient.

How true these statements are. It doesn't matter what your fears are, whether they are irrational fears like I had in the middle of the night or if they are legitimate fears.

If I allowed myself to I could find all kinds of things to be fearful about. I could fear my job stability. I could fear losing my wife and kids. I could fear the future of the country. There are many fears that I could, that we all could, wrap ourselves up in and be fearful about. But we must keep in mind that "everything passes away except God. God alone is sufficient." We have nothing to fear. It is all in His hands.

Who Are You?

Most people don't know what they want. Most people don't know who they are. Most people don't know who they are capable of becoming." ~Matthew Kelly

I have long struggled with feeling like the above statement. I, professionally speaking, have struggled for a number of years with what I want out of a career. I have a degree in English Literature because I wanted to teach, but I've never stepped into a classroom. I worked in retail management for 11 years bouncing from retailer to the next--4 different jobs in all--trying to figure out what I wanted. I then abandoned retail and pursued a career in sales as a financial advisor. When that didn't work out, I landed a job in youth ministry. In the past 15 years I've had 6 different jobs in three different industries. I've spent, on average, 2 1/2 years at each job, all in an effort to figure out what I wanted.

When expressing to my wife that I just feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm called to do she responded, quite frankly, "Tim, it's not supposed to be about what you feel. You are called to do what God wants you to do, not what you feel like doing." And she's right. Our feelings oftentimes have a tendency to mislead us.

I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of months trying to figure out what my calling is--what my vocation is. I've come to the conclusion, that I am in the exact place that God wants me to be in. I love my wife dearly. She is my best friend and my vocation. She is, and needs to be, my number one priority. Although it may seem, at times, like I don't enjoy my children, I truly do love my five kids. I wouldn't give them up for anything, nor, if I had the opportunity to "do it all over again", would I choose to have less kids.

My job is truly wonderful. It fits me so well. I spoke with an old friend the other day whom I haven't spoken to since I took this job in youth ministry. He told me that youth ministry is the perfect fit for me. He's right. Sometimes I lose sight of that when I get caught up in my feelings.

So, after struggling for so many years, I have finally found what I want, who I am.

Why am I writing this today? First of all, this is a new found discovery. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I discovered that I am exactly where God wants me to be. It's a very freeing experience to have. I am now free to carry out God's will in my life, and to focus on the third component of Matthew Kelly's quote above--to discover who I am capable of becoming. You see, unless you know who you are and what you want, you can't move forward to grow into the person you are capable of becoming. I am now free to focus my energies on becoming the best husband, father, and youth minister I can be.

The second reason for writing this blog today is that I know that I am not the only person who has struggled with who they are and what they want. I know that there are many other people out there that are trying to find themselves in this world. I know many of the teens I work with in youth ministry are trying to find themselves as well.

So, how did I get to where I am at now? How did I discover what I wanted and who I was? I didn't. God revealed to me who I was and what I wanted. It has taken me 15 years of trial, mistakes, and suffering to get to this point. For the first 13 years I did what I wanted (or, I should say, what the world told me what I wanted). I didn't listen to the voice of God, but instead listened to the voice of the world. God had to break me to get me to listen to Him. And after 7 months of unemployment, God finally revealed to me that what I truly wanted was what He wanted for me. Is my life perfect now? Hardly, but I'm finally at peace with my life. I'm no longer searching for the next thing to do. I'm focusing my life on what God is doing in me today and not on what God wants me to do tomorrow.

It took a long time for me to discover my true calling in life. I have been living this calling for a year and a half now and I only discovered it a few weeks ago. Call me stubborn and thick headed. If you don't know who you are or what you want from life I have some advice for you. Pray. And then pray some more. Seek out the advice of your spouse, your friends, your family. And then take that advice to prayer. Surrender your will to God. Don't focus on your feelings or what you want, but instead try to understand what God wants for you. He has a beautiful plan for each of us, but He won't force it on us. We must let go and trust in Him. My life is radically different for doing so. I'm happier. I'm at peace. And hopefully it won't take you as long to discover yourself as it took me.

Lord Save Us, We Are Perishing!

I met with a new spiritual director today, something I've been meaning to do for a number of months since my last one became pastor of a parish an hour away. Since neither of us knew each other (he was suggested to me by my boss) we spent part of the time getting to know each other a little better.

Overall, it was a very good meeting. We talked about many things: my prayer life, the need to read scripture more, ideas to keep me from getting distracted while in prayer, etc. One thing that we discussed was some of my fears about the future--particularly financial fears in the midst of this current economy. He related my fears to the story of the calming of the storm (Matt 8:23-27)

Here you have Jesus in a boat with his disciples in the middle of a nasty storm--and Jesus is sleeping!! How dare he! How could he be sleeping at a time like this! (At least that is what I thought, and probably his disciples as well.) It seems as though Christ is sleeping through many of the storms in our own lives as well. The disciples may have even asked themselves why Christ even allowed this storm. I know I ask that about the storms I've encountered in my life.

Christ is not here to prevent storms from coming into our lives. He is there with us through those storms. It may seem as though he is sleeping through them, but he is not. He is at our sides, guiding us through them. And, when the time is right, he will calm the storms in our lives.

The hard part is having the faith to endure the storms. I imagine the disciples had sheepish looks on their faces when Christ asked them, "Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?" I can visualize Christ adding "I'm here. Isn't that enough for you? Trust me, I know what I'm doing." And that is exactly what we need to do--trust God. He knows what he is doing. He has never allowed me to perish, and he will never allow you to perish--if we have faith and trust in him.

So, whether you are dealing with financial woes, illness, addiction, or some other storm in your life, trust in the Lord. Have faith. If you do so, surely you will not perish.

Hope

I don't watch much television, but I've heard reports about the Presidential inauguration. I've heard that President Obama's supporters are just ecstatic at the fact that he has officially become president. I did turn the television on this morning, more curious about the weather than politics. I witnessed for myself the joy that people are feeling about the "change" in government. People all over the country are acting like giddy little schoolchildren over the fact that Obama is now the president. They have this hope that things are now going to change. They have placed their faith in this new government. THEY HAVE IT ALL WRONG!

Let us first look at the reasons why people have placed their hope in Obama and the change in the U.S. government. Obama's supporters, and all people, hope. We hope for security--financial security, physical security, and emotional security. We hope for peace. We hope for happiness. We hope for love. There is nothing wrong in hoping for these things. It's natural for us to do so. What is wrong, is WHO we place our hope in to bring us these things. No president, no government, no earthly thing or person can ever fulfill our hope. Placing our hope in men of this world will ultimately lead us to disappointment. There is only one Man who will never disappoint us, and that is Jesus Christ. Only Christ can fulfill all we hope for.

So, if you are an Obama supporter, you need to consider what you are hoping for and who you are placing your hope in. If you are placing your hope in the president or the government, you WILL ultimately be disappointed. Only Christ can bring us true security, peace, happiness, and love. Those of you who do not support Obama need to reflect on this as well. Those of you who are fearful of where this country is headed also need to consider where you are placing your hope. Christ says "do not be afraid". Place your hope in the Lord. Let go of your fears and trust that God will bring us security, peace, happiness, and love.